YOUR PAN AM GAMES UPDATE

We're winning! We're winning! Europe and Asia are not competing but fuck that, we're winning we're winning!

There is no parking at any of the venues, you dare not even look at the Athlete's Village.

Pan Am buses carrying athletes and officials get their own police escorts that stop and wave them through red lights, tickets for the opening ceremony started at 200 bucks a pop; they took place at the Air Canada Centre which has a square outside of it equipped with a giant video screen that they use for Raptor pregrames but they did not use it for the ceremony. Oh no, that would mean the common citizens may be there in the presence of the Important People. Instead, they put the screen up at Nathan Phillips Square .. that does not have a screen. They had to buy one and pay to have it set up, instead of using the existing one at the ACC

At the Athlete's Village, athletes are given lodging, food, a spa, a discoteque, a nice view of the waterfront. In Toronto City housing in Regent Park and Jamestown citizens of this city who pay rent live with broken plumbing, ceilings falling down, rats and gangsters who laugh at the broken security cameras

But we're winning! We're winning!

THE CIRCUS IS COMING! (AND I DON'T MEAN SHRINE)

Often, it seems, this city is not ours. During the G-8 Summit, with it's fence and its detention centres and its armed guards, it felt as though the downtown core of Toronto had been occupied by an invading force. Even though that force wore badges that said Toronto

The occupation is happening again, this time by some actual foreign invaders. How are we responding? Why, we're building them places to sleep, feeding them, giving them their own traffic lanes to make it easier to invade ...

Yup, the Pan Am Games are coming

Some of it is funny. As in, this thing is costing us a few billion bucks and it seems to be run by bipolar chimps smoking crack and weeping over Donnie Walberg's hair loss.

What's funny: They've turned some regular traffic lanes into HOV (High Occupancy Lanes) that are exclusive to vehicles carrying three passengers or more. They're called Diamond lanes because they have hug diamond symbols painted on them. Well these are temp lanes so they didn't want to use paint. Instead, they put down these huge decals. Here's the problem: The decals come off in the rain. And it's been raining. A lot

What's Not Funny: These new lanes are, essentially, being reserved for the "important" people. The officials and athletes and the local gov't reps whose Games these are. Yeh, their games, not so much ours. Their lanes. Two weeks to go to the games and they are enforcing these lanes right now. Cop cars are perched on medians to make sure none of us plebes are using the royal lanes. Don't worry about the traffic chaos; essentially one or two lanes have been taken from use on some of the busiest roads in the GTA; the DVP, the Gardiner, the QEW, Lakeshore, the 400

What's Funny: The planners of these Games knew how horribly traffic was going to be affected. Not only have they taken away some active lanes, they are not stopping the construction that already brings the downtown core to a crawl. Our govt's solution? Go on vacation during the Games

What's Not Funny: Our govt's solution? Go on vacation during the Games

What's Funny: Many new sports facilities have been built for the Games. These are the supposed legacy. But many temp structures have been erected as well; public parking lots and public streets have been closed off so they could put up these giant plastic quonset huts where the Important People can mingle and guffaw and say how marvelous they all are. Well, it's been very rainy and windy here. And the tents came down

What's Not Funny: Fences. Fences in my city are not funny. During the G-8 a fence was put up around several blocks downtown. Cops stood at the fence and questioned our right to even look at it. Now we have more fences, enclosing streets and areas that are public. Most of the people standing there are not cops, they are Pan Am security but it is clear: Hey, you live in this city, you can't come in here. Keep moving, see this clip board, you are not on this clip board, so get the fuck out of here

What's Funny: The people who are running these games are getting paid lots and lots of money. Lots of my money, lots of your money. When the whole thing got rolling, couple years ago, they hired a very respected manager to be the grand poobah. Turns out he was very good at padding his expense account and paying off people. The Gov't seemed quite content with this till he was exposed. So he was let go due to malfeasance. Here's the funny part: He got a "severence" (after being fired) that was basically his promised salary

What's Not Funny: They hired a new manager. This guy they seem to like. They like him so much that, when he finishes out his contract he will get a lovely party gift of a bonus that will equal what he's getting paid to complete the contract in the first place

Hey, no worries. There's lots of money for the gov't. So much money. It just keeps rolling in

Now, you, the person from whom this money is being taken, just sept back behind that line and keep your head down. These are your Games

TUNNEL? WHAT TUNNEL

"Good day Mr Kellar, welcome to the 156 1/2 Precinct of the Oblivious Police. Please take a seat"

"I can take it? For reals? Um, it's kind of sucky, do you have a couch? Can I take a couch? A nice recliner? Maybe a lovely ottaman. With a capital A. A Turk, I mean, not the footstool, always wanted my own Turk, just to ask him in Turkey, what do they serve for Thanksgiving Dinner .."

"Mr Kellar we are authorized to use deadly force"

"For you protection?"

"For you being a smart ass"

"Fuck, I'm doomed!"

"Mr Kellar we're here to talk to you about the tunnel"

"The tunnel? Look it's not my fault Ok, my Mother ran a hot dog stand, inside a train tunnel, in Bangcock ..."

"Mr Kellar I have taken out my pistol"

"Slow down Bubba, you should at least buy me dinner first"

"Mr Kellar we want to talk to you about the tunnel, the one we discovered in the woods near York University, near the Rexall Centre, where they will be staging events for the Pan Am Games"

"The events are staged? I knew it! That's the only way to explain Togo Togo winning the Team Synchronized Duct Cleaning Event three games in a row"

"Mr Kellar have you ever before been shot in the scrotum?"

"No"

"Huh, I find that surprising. Now, let's get back to the tunnel"

"Which tunnel"

"The tunnel you dug in the ground"

"I never dug a tunnel"

"Mr Kellar we have you on video"

"Do I look good? Sexy? Would Brad Pitt gouge out his eyes in envy?"

"You look like you were digging a tunnel"

"Which tunnel?"

"The tunnel you dug near York University"

"York has a tunnel?"

"It does now"

"Wow, classroom shortage eh"

"Mr Kellar why did you dig that tunnel"

"Did you want me to dig a tunnel? You're a little obsessed about tunnels. Have you ever seen a therapist?"

"Mr Kellar you may have to see a doctor"

"Why is that?"

"Because I may shoot you in the scrotum"

"Wow, been a while since you dated eh"

"Let's get back to the tunnel"

"We're going to a tunnel? Can I take my chair? After all you gave it to me"

"Why did you dig the tunnel"

"For my own personal reasons"

"So, Mr Kellar, let me get this straight, you go on to public property, you spend several days digging and excavating and hauling dirt and running heavy equipment and digging this huge tunnel and you tell me you did for personal reasons and you expect me to just let you get away with that?"

"Yes"

"Ok then, you are free to go"

"Awesome! Can I take my chair?"

"Mr Kellar I'm loading my pistol"

"I see, well I'll leave you two alone, should I dim the lights?"

"They don't pay me enough to do this job"