TUNNEL? WHAT TUNNEL

"Good day Mr Kellar, welcome to the 156 1/2 Precinct of the Oblivious Police. Please take a seat"

"I can take it? For reals? Um, it's kind of sucky, do you have a couch? Can I take a couch? A nice recliner? Maybe a lovely ottaman. With a capital A. A Turk, I mean, not the footstool, always wanted my own Turk, just to ask him in Turkey, what do they serve for Thanksgiving Dinner .."

"Mr Kellar we are authorized to use deadly force"

"For you protection?"

"For you being a smart ass"

"Fuck, I'm doomed!"

"Mr Kellar we're here to talk to you about the tunnel"

"The tunnel? Look it's not my fault Ok, my Mother ran a hot dog stand, inside a train tunnel, in Bangcock ..."

"Mr Kellar I have taken out my pistol"

"Slow down Bubba, you should at least buy me dinner first"

"Mr Kellar we want to talk to you about the tunnel, the one we discovered in the woods near York University, near the Rexall Centre, where they will be staging events for the Pan Am Games"

"The events are staged? I knew it! That's the only way to explain Togo Togo winning the Team Synchronized Duct Cleaning Event three games in a row"

"Mr Kellar have you ever before been shot in the scrotum?"

"No"

"Huh, I find that surprising. Now, let's get back to the tunnel"

"Which tunnel"

"The tunnel you dug in the ground"

"I never dug a tunnel"

"Mr Kellar we have you on video"

"Do I look good? Sexy? Would Brad Pitt gouge out his eyes in envy?"

"You look like you were digging a tunnel"

"Which tunnel?"

"The tunnel you dug near York University"

"York has a tunnel?"

"It does now"

"Wow, classroom shortage eh"

"Mr Kellar why did you dig that tunnel"

"Did you want me to dig a tunnel? You're a little obsessed about tunnels. Have you ever seen a therapist?"

"Mr Kellar you may have to see a doctor"

"Why is that?"

"Because I may shoot you in the scrotum"

"Wow, been a while since you dated eh"

"Let's get back to the tunnel"

"We're going to a tunnel? Can I take my chair? After all you gave it to me"

"Why did you dig the tunnel"

"For my own personal reasons"

"So, Mr Kellar, let me get this straight, you go on to public property, you spend several days digging and excavating and hauling dirt and running heavy equipment and digging this huge tunnel and you tell me you did for personal reasons and you expect me to just let you get away with that?"

"Yes"

"Ok then, you are free to go"

"Awesome! Can I take my chair?"

"Mr Kellar I'm loading my pistol"

"I see, well I'll leave you two alone, should I dim the lights?"

"They don't pay me enough to do this job"