DRIFTING IN THE RIVER OF COFFEE

What is wrong with people?

OK that's not quite the right question, a bit too general

Same as asking: What's wrong with doofusses who write blogs asking what's wrong with people. No right answer there .. or so I shall tell myself

Let's narrow it down a tad more. Nicer weather has returned to Ontario so more people are out enjoying it and by doing so are reinforcing an observation I've made in the past. When people in Toronto go out, like outside, like walking, like not in their cars, no matter the reason why and really no matter the season, in this big multi cultural multi national city they seem to have one thing in common ...

They. Just. Can't. Get. Enough. Coffee.

Downtown with the shoppers, in the dog parks, at the outdoor (and indoor) rinks, there they are, the Toronto elite, toddling about (with their toddlers) transporting paper or styrofoam cups the size of old school Buick Regals

Those of you who know me (and everyday do you shed a tear of joy that you do so) may be screaming "Hypocrite!" and gesturing to the full sized cutout you have of me in your living room .. and if you don't have one of those, contact my people, we'll send you one out Xpress Post, only 139.99 but act now, we can't do this all day ...

Ahem

But here's the deal: I enjoy my coffee in the morning. I get up at the crack of noon ... ok at 8 am but a boy can dream can't he ... and I slug down maybe three or four cups before I start scooping up my dogs for the day. I don't take a coffee with me in the car. Driving around the city really doesn't lend itself to sipping a hot beverage. If I'm taking a hiway trip I may start out with a cup of coffee but it rarely gets finished in a two or three hour trip

But I never never ever seem to need to have a container of coffee with me when I'm out and about in the city. If I'm downtown with Collette or walking dogs, be the ones I'm paid for or Terra, I just never think of grabbing a coffee first, even in cold weather

If I'm out with Collette and we want a coffee we may take one out then we would go someplace and sit down to enjoy it. Maybe that's just age, one is always looking for an excuse to sit down. But having a coffee in my hand while I'm walking around seems .. awkward. When I'm with Collette one of my hands is always occupied with her ..

Now wait a minute, cool down, this is a family blog (no it isn't, your kids may never want to read this blog) so clean your mind. I'm talking about holding hands. We hold hands. Hey, I'm old, I need to be guided.

Certainly when I'm out with Terra I need free hands. Sometimes I have one hand on the leash. Being Terra, one hand almost always is occupied with a ball or a frisbee or a stick or Rubik's cube for the dog ... yes, a Rubik's cube. She's a border collie after all

Mind you, many of these coffee swillers who I meet in public dog parks have no problem with having a free hand while their other is clenched, claw like, around their paper cup. Hell, they use that free hand to clutch their cell phone, an incredibly essential piece of dog walking equipment .. apparently. God know they don't need a free hand to actually interact with their dogs. That's why they bring their dogs to these parks, so the owner can sit on a bench sipping a coffee and texting while screaming at their dog "PLAY!" Yeh, that works

The dogs should have coffee too, to keep them awake as they stand around, bored out of their brains

So, beyond the physical awkwardness involved with only have one hand free to play with your dog, hold hands with your Booboo (yes I said Booboo, just making sure you're paying attention) or to beat the crap out of those people on the street who invade your personal space with their too-white teeth and that freshly tazered gleam in their eyes to ask you "Have you heard the truth today" the other point is .. why do they need all this caffeine

I ask that last question because, even with these Jacuzzi sized containers of coffee in their hands, these people seem as alert as a dung beetle buried in a pile of poop

You try to talk to them and they just stare at you .. then of course they need to dig the ear buds out of their skull but even when they are now in a position to actually relate to another human being, they seem completely unable to do so

Maybe it isn't always coffee that they are swilling. But it's something hot, so tea or hot chocolate or a semialfredosoylattemochaespresso with extra foam and a dollop of Oxycodon.

Yeh, that may not keep you exactly alert

So what is the point. Well, in some cases, I do notice the artful placement of the coffee cup to show the logo of the brand and/or coffee shop even while being grasped in heavily manicured and glitter painted finger nails .. and the women do this too

That is, of course, a very Toronto thing. They aren't buying the coffee for the coffee, they are buying a brand. After you all, you are what you purchase

Then there are those who are actually drinking the coffee. It's cold outside, perhaps they are trying to keep warm but here's a clue for way too many people I see outside right now .. WEAR A FUCKING HAT, YOUR HAIR AIN'T THAT GORGEOUS ANYWAY

See, that's why your kids can't read this blog

It is an odd site, downtown on a sunny morning or a Friday night, sitting off to the side, watching the river of people flowing along, encaged in their "portable devices", the white containers in their hands bobbing around like boat bumpers as they careen off of each other, isolated and caffeinated, just flotsam, just debris, hands full, never touching