Friday, August 16, 2013


If you are viewing this post your life may be in danger. Actually, my life would be in danger as well and quite frankly, that is more distressing me than any danger it may put you in .. sorry, that's just the way it is

For the past several months, Collette and I have been under care of a super secret government agency that relocates families, changes their identities and helps them maintain security. No, not the Witness Protection Program; the WTFWHTMA ... rolls right off the tongue doesn't it. You may better know it as the What The Fuck, We Have To Move? Agency

This agency is an entirely Canadian operation .. which explains why the whole process was like something out of an old school screwball comedy. And not an "A" list comedy, with Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn, but a decided "C" list comedy with Frank Gorshin and Adrienne Barbeau

How else to explain some of the following incidents:

1) When searching for a new house I responded to the following "Fully fenced in yard with fruit trees and private parking" It seemed to be written in English, but it must have been a foreign language. Yes the yard was fully fenced but it had recently been completely paved over except for the three foot wide strip where three sad apple trees wondered where the hell the soil went. This paving was to provide the parking for the house .. and the two houses beside it. What was private? Well people from the street were not allowed to park there

2) Another house that I went to see seemed pretty nice; large bungalo, nice yard, a basement apt for Jeff. I noticed that a section of said basement was being drywalled off and when I inquired what that was for the owner told me "Oh that's for me, I'm moving to Cambridge but I will be in Toronto once or twice a month so I'm making myself a little apartment here" Right. So I wasn't renting a house, I was renting a tenement

3) We finally found a house, a lovely new house but there were a few minor issues ... like the gas wasn't turned on and oh yeh, there may be a minor gas leak but nothing to be concerned about. Yeh, that's how you make a house smoking free

4) We decided to buy a portable dishwasher. I go to Sears, find a floor model at a great price, buy it, have it delivered. When it comes, the thing has no wheels. I phone the store and am informed that the portable dishwasher does not come with wheels. Collette inquired: This is a portable dishwasher right? They respond Yes ma'am. She asks What makes a portable dishwasher portable? Yes, we got our wheels

5) The new house has a nice yard but I had to do a little fencing for Terra. Terra is barrier trained, if she sees a barrier she won't cross it. It can be low, she won't jump it, knock it over or dig under it. Problem is, what I see as a barrier, my dog sees as an open door. Across one side of the yard I put up a metal garden fence. It had "slats" in it, about 12 or 14 inches wide. Collette watched our 50 lb border collie put one paw through the opening, duck her head and just slide on through without touching the sides. Yeh, I can't wait till this dog grows some bones

6) Our new house has a very nice basement apt where Collette's nephew Jeff is living. We love living with Jeff but sometimes he has a perspective different from mine. He was concerned that our street has no sidewalks. Dude, I've been where you grew up, you don't even have paved roads ...

7) We decided to use professional movers for this move. Collette wanted to use a guy who does all the moving for the Toronto school board. We arranged for one date then he informed us that he would not be able to make that weekend after all; none of his drivers would work, cuz it was Jamaica Day ... I strongly suspect it had a lot to do with the above mentioned non "smoking" house

There are more stories but I've run out of beer so the telling of them will have to wait. And the agents of  WTFWHTA have informed me that this post is in violation of their mandate. Prison time could be implimented. Great. I'll probably have to move in there myself

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