WHAT I'M LEARNING FROM WATCHING THE OLYMPICS

From the opening ceremonies: The Industrial Revolution created mass poverty which forced people to eat coal and that rotted their teeth so the UK gov't had to invent free dental care

From watching NBC coverage: The Olympics is a series of athletic events in which a bunch of American compete ... and there are some other people who hang around too

From watching CBC coverage: It's not the medals that count, but the effort but gosh wouldn't a medal be oh so wonderful. To the point that we will claim a medal for Canada any way we can, even if the athlete in question is not Canadian. Oh look, this Korean athlete's grandfather once looked at a picture of a Newfoundland moose ... he must be Canadian!

The Olympics is all about the pure celebration of athletic achievement ... as long as it can be measured. Here are some of the many ways we measure and qualify the beauty and sanctity of human striving:

1) Medals. You are nothing at all if you don't win a medal. Really, it's all about (as it often is) gold. If you don't get the gold then you weren't trying hard enough or you didn't train hard enough of someone else cheated. There are other medals but really they don't mean much. Unless you are a Canadian. Bronze, I think, is the colour of Canada

2) Whining. This should be an official Olympic event. It's an athletic form of a very high order. Athletes whine, coaches whine, the media whines, governments whine ... Oh it's all about all these countries competing together .. long as we get that gold. Then we whine

The podium at the end of the games for Whining will be very crowded.

3) How many ways can you hide the fact that it's all about money. This is another important and complex Olympic event. How to disguisse the fact  that these games only exist to generate profit it a essentially a martial art; think ninjas. There are so many "official" products of the Olympic games I think there are more corporations than countries participating. Some athletes are registering official complaints that they can't wear the logos of their sponsors as they compete .. Crap how on earth can they make money on this without the proper TV exposure.

No one even blinks that these amateur athletes have sponsors

Other random stuff I'm learning:

Make up. The Olympics is all about make up, at least for female gymnasts. Apparently a girl can't keep her balance on that thin beam without eye shadow and glitter in her hair. I learned that make up was important while watching a girl compete and the commentator informed me: "It's all in here eyes isn't it, she's put on a colour that matches her leotard .."

Equality. Some Official High Seated Doofus of the Olympics celebrated that fact that for the first time, every participating country has sent at least one female athlete. Yay. Equality, everyone's coming around. No one has questioned how these women were selected, how much choice they were given, why they have male "handlers" whose job seems to be to glare at any other male who may glance their way, how the woman is being presented by her home nation (often as a whore, for doing what men are clearly only meant to do) or what happens when the woman returns home. Or whether any female from these countries will ever enjoy this privilidge in her own country. Yay. Equality.

Numbers. Yup, it's all about the numbers. How fast, how high, how heavy .. how many medals. And how many events. This may be another unlisted Olympic event: How many events can we shoe horn into 2 weeks. There are a ridiculous number of events at the Olympics. Still, I think they've missed a few.

So, some events that could have been in the Olympics:

1) Coupon cutting. An athletic endeavour that tests your physical prowess (dude, that scissor work ain't easy); your strategy (do you cut coupons for 100 mini size tubes of toothpaste or 70 jumbo size)

2) Cat bowling. Not cats throwing balls, don't be silly. I mean bowling with cats. I'd suggest going with a Persian, they have lots of fur and should ball up nicely. Replace traditional pins with mice, a cat may enjoy knocking over a mouse

3) Boxing. I know we already have boxing in the Olympics but I don't mean pugilism. I mean seeing how quickly a homeless person can make himself a house out of a cardboard box. After London is heavily indebted from hosting these games and private companies claim all the new venues for basically nothing, this kind of boxing may become a much needed and practised athletic endeavour

4) Waving. Waving is big at the Olympics. Just count how many times people wave. Athletes wave tot he crowd, to the camera, to each other. People in the stands wave to the athletes and to the cameras. Coaches wave to the judges ... with a special one finger wave it would seem

Gosh, so little time so much to learn. Let me get back to it. Then I need to work out. Thirty reps of whining followed by a vigorous low impact waving session