Y I DO THESE THINGS, I DON'T KNOW

I was in my yurt playing yahtzee with a yeti when you began yelling about yawls on the Yellow River filled with archers with yew bows. The yeti yelped  about wanting fresh yams could we go yonder to the Fresh Mart but you were still yowling about the youthful archers on the yawls so I placated you by giving you some Young and Restless videos for which you always yearned.

I yawned as we watched the show and thought I should go weed the yard but you passed me a bowl of yogurt that you bought in Yonkers and and that was great cuz I always had a yen for yogurt. The yeti began yodelling and you broke out some yarn to knit him a sweater.

The yogurt was pretty yucky so I yielded to temptation and ate some yolks instead. You yelled "Yikes!" and told me that that "that's no yolk, that's boiled yucca"

Of course you were wrong. Cuz, you know, these are the yolks folks



That was in my head. Now it's in yours. You're welcome

HEIL THE DONALD

Oh The Donald

I have been trying not to pay attention to Donald Trump and the republican sideshow happening in the US. I try not to pay attention to Trump in general

I've watched The Apprentice. I knew very little about Trump before that. He built stuff. He was some sort of shady real estate guy who began building a casino in Atlantic City and didn't finish and got called on for violations and said he was out of money then he finished it and said the gov't somehow needed to support him. He seemed very typical of North American big, big business people who found ways (campaign funding, pork barrelling, threats of job loss) who maneuvered governments into supporting their bottom line, with everything from cutting regulations to special tariffs to tax breaks

Whatever. Dime a dozen in our much ballyhooed "free enterprise" system

Then I began to watch the Apprentice. The first seasons, before it became a detox centre for washed up "celebrities" I liked the little marketing assignments the participants went out on, it spoke to some facets of my education. And I learned something.

I learned that Donald Trump is a moron. No, really. I'm not just talking about his opinions. Smart people can have stupid opinions. I think I'm passably bright and I think William Shatner is one of the most interesting actors alive. I feel that this belief is insightful and well informed, other people have expressed that it is stupid. In the words of the noted philosopher Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse, "opinions differ"

Beyond his beliefs, Trump is just not bright. The man could never catch even the most obvious cultural references, even ones available to people his age. It was clear this guy lived in some kind of Faberge bubble, he had very little clue what was happening out in the world. He struggled with his vocabulary. I was often shocked by the words he did not understand. Someone would use a Grade Ten level word and The Donald would throw up his hands and proclaim "I've never heard that before"

The guy claims he graduated college. It was a business degree but really, his vocabulary is about the Grade Eight level

I don't think he really listens to people or doesn't have the capacity to understand them or both. He sure as hell doesn't possess critical thinking. If someone made an analogy he wouldn't get it, he's very literal. He would take someone's innuendo at face value and could not be swayed away from it. If it was pointed out to him that he misunderstood some reference he would grow angry and embarrassed and shut down; smart people, when faced with something they don't understand, figure out a way to acquire that knowledge. Stupid people just get angry

So, through his current run in politics I've just not really cared what the guy says. He's a moron. He's going to say moronic things. That's how it goes

But I paid attention to the dumb guy when a smart guy recently made a comment about him. I'm a fan of Kareem Abdul Jabbar. I think he is one of the greatest pro basketball players of all time. No argument. Don't even try. He is at least top two, I don't care what you think. Let's just move on

But I also like Kareem the man. He's a bright guy. He's made mistakes in his life, he's gotten things wrong. His early experiences with racism had him turn to the Nation of Islam, the Black Muslims, as a way to feel better about himself. Of course that organization was akin to a cult and used the religion for their own often criminal agendas. Kareem has admitted that he was wrong about all that. He remains devoted to his faith but he knew, as a young man, that he had been hoodwinked and taken advantage of. He's been able to learn from that and make himself better

That's what smart people do, after they've done something stupid

In a recent article, in response to Trump's proclamation that a president of the US should deport all muslims, Kareem compared The Donald to Isis. He was using terror, Kareem contended, to bend people to his will

Comparisons to Isis have become the new versions of comparing people to Hitler. If someone was presenting a point of view contrary to yours, certain people would compare them to Hitler. Now it's Isis. Here in Toronto we had a taxi strike, the crabbers can't compete with Uber X and they don't like it, one driver compared Uber to Isis

In the case of The Donald and his comments about muslims, I would not compare him to Isis. For once, in a very long time, you could actually compare him to Hitler and be in the ball park.

Hitler isolated a large part of the population by a religious/cultural/racial definition. Although numerous, these people represented a minority and a religious perspective that differed from the majority. He pointed at these people and said "Look, there is the enemy, these people are dangerous, even if many of them were born here, even if the majority have never participated in any crime, they are the enemy. They are different from us. They are the enemy"

He needed an enemy. He needed to take the focus away from his own designs in order to drum up popular support. It's the old magician trick of distraction. Don't pay attention to this hand, look at my pretty assistant. Don't watch me convert the nation's economy to war production, look at that Jewish bank over there

Donald Trump has no political platform. None. Zero. He is stupid. He need a distraction. He needs to prey on fear, he needs people staring at the burka so he can bust trade unions and put banks in his back pocket

I wonder if The Donald has figured out that, if he could actually deport every muslim, he could have access to all their assets. As did Hitler. Seizing all the wealth and assets of the Jews helped him prop up his shaky economy. Trump wants to fix the US economy. Perhaps that's his plan.

And perhaps Trump can follow the Hitler plan, for all those muslims he can't deport well they can be stripped of all their rights and used as slave labour. Hitler employed that technique to build highways. Trump could do that to build casinos

None of this could happen of course. There is no possible away the US constitution could allow millions of innocent people from being deported. Did people back in World War II Germany feel the same way?

In this case, no I don't think this can happen. But Trump is following the model and people are swallowing it. It's a popular concept among certain people. Stupid people. That makes me wary. After all, they outnumber us

WHO INVITED GOOGLE TO THIS PARTY

"Let me look that up" "Hold on, I can find that out" "Um, no I don't think that's right, let me Google it" "Right, well I can find out who that was"

The internet, my friends is a wonderful thing. I've actually lived without it as long as I've lived with it and it is a wonderful thing. As is Google and all the ways we can search for infos and answers. Not 100 per cent reliable, not completely accurate but an easy and quick way to confirm some info or begin a more proper detailed search for answers

Google has its place. And its times. As do most things

But not everything has to be certain. Some things don't need to be answered, right now, immediately, at this moment. Sometimes, being uncertain is just part of being human

I'm a fan of conversation. Some would say I'm a fan of hearing my own voice but hey, what I do in my own bathroom with a Walter Cronkite wig is my business

Seriously, I love conversation. Just talking. Real talking, face to face. Texting and phone has its place but that's more for an exchange of information like "When are you coming" "Do you need me to bring anything" "Did I leave my Walter Cronkite wig there"

Real conversation: Unstructured, reactive, perhaps even meaningless but to be always remembered, always takes place face to face. Not face ON face. That's a whole different deal. Let's move away from that image. Quickly

People just sitting around, having a chat, seeing where it goes. Invariably there may be some discussion of cultural media; books, music, movie, TV. "Hey do you remember that show?" "Ever see that movie?" "Did you ever consider that Price Is Right is a conspiracy of American big business to get us to associated overly made up models with Kraft Dinner?"

There are answers to these questions, probably, but back before our wonderful internet we didn't worry much about that. We didn't really need to find the answers. Because the questions weren't important, in reality they don't mean anything. It was just part of the conversation. Just a jumping off point to the next topic. "Oh you know that movie, the one with the guy who does that thing" "Yeh I love that movie, and that guy he was in that other movie where he does that other thing" "Yeh, what was that movie called" "Oh it doesn't matter but you know the thing he does, I saw someone do that once and .."

And the convo continues. Making its own way, finding its own path, not being consciously guided, just wandering as we make these connections; oh you like that too? Oh you never knew about that? Oh you dated her as well .. um, how bout them Blue Jays .. that's a convo. An organic thing, moving from connection to connection

Now we have convo's with phones in our pockets and when someone says "who was the guy that does that thing" screens light up, eyes move down and thumbs start flying. The convo ebbs as we turn away from the connections created by our own thoughts to seek the connections created by our new electronic superconsciousness. Google enters the convo and there is always that risk that it will now be given an equal role

As you search for that thing it shows you another thing "oh hey look, did you see this" and the connections start sparking from the glowing box you hold in your hands. Is this so bad? Maybe not, perhaps it's just another way for the convo to flow

But I still like the organic path. Where we have eye contact with each other, not that glowing screen. And our mistakes or uncertainty have a part to play in that moment, in that convo, in that chimerical thing exists only for that moment, never to be repeated

Don't worry if we can't remember that name, that title, that date. It really doesn't mean anything. Sitting there together, bouncing ideas off each other, stoking each other's memory or thoughts, that's what important.

Put the phone down. Time to talk with Google later. For this moment let's just be human. And accept the fact that we don't know every single answer and that that doesn't matter. Because we're not knowing together


Q

IT'S A MIRAGE, A BLUE(S) MIRAGE

Annual is a term that refers to some event that happens once a year. It's a rather mundane sounding word and often describes tasks that aren't exactly invigorating: Your annual medical exam, an annual office party where you aren't allowed to drink and you have to leave your clothes on, your annual bath ... wait, is that wrong?

You get my point Something annual can denote a thing that is expected, predictable, routine.

But some annual events go beyond the banality of the term. For example, the annual Women's Blues Review. It has been happening every year for 29 years now. Collette and I have been attending for a majority of those years. So you could call it a routine but it is something that is far from routine

The event has elements that could be described as being predictable. There will be six featured vocalists, they will each sing three songs, they will all be female. There will be a finale where all the performers will sing together, one song. There will be a host and there will be a band, naturally comprised of all women

There are, however, elements to this event that take it far from the mundane. Take the band for instance, that is, the backing band. Eight ladies, hardcore professional musicians with credits that could fill a phone book; as the host of the concert stated "these are not female musicians, these are musicians". Many of these women have been playing this gig for over twenty years. So that makes them a band but a band who only plays together once a year. That ain't just annual, that's a mirage.

A really sweet sounding, good looking mirage

And although the show follows a well practised itinerary, it's a live show and every one is the same while every one is different. That's the nature of live shows

It's predictable that I will see a woman or two who are old faves of mine as well as discover a singer or two who will become a favourite. Who those will be, well that's the wild card of a live show

Going into this year's concert I knew that a couple of faves would be appearing and one in particular brought me to Massey Hall. Rita Chirarelli is a veteran of the Canadian music and blues scene. We first saw her in 1991 performing with Long John Baldry and since that time, we have seen her perhaps a dozen times. We never tire of it

Rita is a force of nature and should be a Canadian national treasure. Her voice is powerful and passionate and pained and sexy all at once. There is a huskiness to her voice that she can temper from a strained painful plaint to a howl of lust and anger that makes you sit back in your seat. She is also funny and generous and self effacing. Her three songs ranged from the confession of the "other woman" to a demonstration of how Little Richard's Lucille is indeed the blues and the story of an inmate serving life in Angola Prison that is a deep blues moan that illicit memories of Blind Lemon Jefferson; it was powerful and sad and Rita's voice filled the theatre and I'm sure could be heard all the way to Angola. She was the last act of the first set. That makes sense

No one wants to follow Rita Chirarelli

After the intermission came a woman who was the show's best chance of following Rita. Suzie Vinnik is another veteran of the Canadian blues scene. Like most blues performers she sings more than the blues of course; she has created dozens of recordings as a solo and with other musicians that cover a wide ranger of musical styles. But music is in this woman's heart and I always love to hear it come out

Unlike Rita, Suzie is not a "shouter". Her voice is rich and nuanced and but can still express hurt and lust and anger and joy. It's the kind of voice you close your eyes to and let the warm caramel of her tones just ooze down over you. Suzie is also a very gifted multiple instrumentalist. Her CD Me  n Mabel features her playing acoustic guitar, she also plays a melodic and expressive electric lead. But I'll always think of Suzie as a bassist. For the concert she did a song where she played her electric bass as a lead guitar, so much so that they still needed a double bass to back her up

This year's discover came in the form of a First Nations singer from Manitoulin Islands named Crystal Shawanda. She is a pretty girl with a bubbly personality in a sparkly white dress. And the voice that came out of her made me thinking there may be a crossroads up there on her nation. Collette and I quickly called her Rita Jr. Crystal is a shouter, with the husky Rita edge to her but the voice is always controlled and expressive. The night of the show I downloaded her latest recording The Whole World's Got the Blues.

Yeh I'm a fan of this lady

She can go from hurting songs to "get your ass out the door" shouters to deep blues to just plain hip shakers. Crystal has been living in Nashville for several years but she has not forgotten her roots. Pray Sister examines the plight of the missing aboriginal women in Canada. The song ends with Crystal singing over the voice of a Native woman who seems to be reading a list of names of missing girls. This is the true blues, music created out of a deep cultural pain

The sensation of being blue is of course real in the Blues but that is not all that the music conveys. This show is always a celebration. A celebration of the music and a celebration of the women who make it. The show ends, predictably with an ensemble number. This year it was the standard People Get Ready. The finale is a standard for the show but it's always different and this year was one of the better ones. The song suited all the divergent voices and the band was just digging deep on this one

Crystal's song is Pray Sister. This show is Sing Sister

A mirage of haunting voices and joyous women, slowly fading over the skyline of Toronto

BIG BROTHER WEARS RED SERGE

Scary times, my friends, scary times

Recently I had my credit card and iTunes/Mac account "compromised" Yeh thieves got in and began making purchases. My credit card company did its job and posted a purchase that did not fit my pattern of spending: Women's fashion from HMV. Um, right. Not only would I not be buying lady's clothing on my credit card (I trust the intelligent lady in my house to buy her own clothes) I barely know what HMV is. I think it's one of those stores in the mall that when you pass by the open doors you are assaulted with a waft of trendy perfume and pure cold evil

So, I'm very very glad that there are entities who were paying attention to one part of my online existence. And I learned that it's not prudent to use HACKTHISACCOUNT as your password for everything. Lesson learned

I understand that very little of what we do online is actually private. From the Cloud to Anonymous to fishing schemes, the internet as eyes. (Which reminds of the National Lampoon parody of Lord of the Rings were Gandalf cautions that "the walls have ears" and Frodo pulls back a curtain to reveal a wall covered with ears) In the case of my credit card company I welcome a certain amount of intrusion. In other cases I know that many many entities, with various levels of malevolence are out there trying to grab my data. In some cases I could care less. In other cases it freaks me out just a little

So I make things as secure as I can and just proceed with the knowledge that online means everything online to everybody

Some of these keen observers of your data are the government, or governments. That's not paranoia, that's a fact. People who google how to declare bankrupcty or back taxes can get flagged by Revenue Canada. Harper's administration certainly were busy little beavers in the internet spying game. There are stories about people's accounts being flagged if there were references to negative comments about the then PM. Unlikely? Don't forget that this is a guy who was so paranoid that during his first address to the UN General Assembly he warned them about the treat posed by Michael Ignatieff who at the time formed our country's official opposition. I'm sure most of these world leaders turned to each other and asked "Michael who?"

There is a new potential threat to your online security but at least this one is being happily announced ahead of time, well maybe ahead of time, could be happening already, that's how these things go

The other day the RCMP announced that they would find it extremely convenient if they were able to access people's online information without the need for a search warrant. This reminds me of when Julian Faction was Toronto's police chief and he wondered if they could dispense with all this pesky and time consuming paperwork. Paperwork. You know, officer logs and reports and search warrants. So pesky

I guess the Mounties feel the same way

They want to make things easier for themselves. They want to be able to monitor suspicious online behaviour without arousing suspicion. On the surface, that makes sense. They want to tip off the bad guys that they are being watched. Fair enough. But how do we determine who the bad guys are. In order to get a warrant, an investigator has had to convince a judge or some other entity that they have a basis for it, that there is a credible suspicion, a viable risk. That they just aren't some turkey hunt with the oven already warmed up and their baster .. er... ready

Accountability. Something so lacking today in most public officials. Ronald Reagan can say he just plain forgot about Iran-Contra. In his memoirs Dalton McGinty explained the power plant fiasco by saying the gave it to someone else to deal with and they fuck it up. In an interview he literally threw up his hands; for these guys delegating is just a way of deflecting responsibility

I want accountability. And I want to be asked for my permission. My credit card company can monitor my account because they have my permission, it's a tacit part of our contract. I want the authorities to have a contract with me before they go snooping around in my life. That contract can be called a warrant.

"If you have done nothing wrong you have nothing to worry about" I worry because I have done nothing wrong yet a federal police agency may still be rooting around in my cyber drawers. Think J Edgar Hoover and all those files. Think the NSA and all those tapped phone lines. Just because I'm innocent, does it make a covert investigation any more correct? If the covert investigation is permitted, do we permit the covert redaction?

No, I don't think the Mounties are going to waterboard me in some hidden stable under RCMP headquarters in Winnipeg. But I think they should do their job. They should be responsible. And accountable. At least ask me. Maybe I will say yes. Maybe I will ask for counsel. Maybe I will say no

All are my right. Sorry if that means paperwork, Dudley Drought. Deal with the paper cuts. And deal with freedom surpassing convenience

YOUR DOWNWARD DOG MAKES CHILDREN CRY

The enemy wears a mask. It's not the balaclava of the bank robber, or the head scarf of the terrorist or even the Guy Falkes mask of the hacker. The enemy is out to curtail your freedom, deny your beliefs and impose his will upon you. He wears a mask. The mask is smooth and flesh like and without emotion. It's the mask of Political Correctness

You know who I mean. The people who tell you that you can't use certain words, in certain situations, to certain people

Now, I'm an old school guy. I grew up in an era where you did  not use certain words to describe people, such as the n word and the bundle of stick words (think about it) I learned that using such terms classified people and classifying human being diminished them. Even now, as people fight to reclaim some of these words I could never bring myself to use them. It's just the way I am

But language is a slippery thing. Controlling language and how it's used, puts us on that slippery slope without rope and without traction. I'll never use the n word. But if someone else uses it, that's their business. And how I react to them using it, well that's my business

Me and the person who uses a word I could never bring myself to use, well we'll have to work that out between the two of us It may get ugly, or it may not. But we'll work it out

Do I need someone telling me how to feel about all of that? Well it would depend on the person and why. And it would depend upon their motivation I've had people tell me why a certain word, or a certain cultural behaviour may affect them on a personal basis, how that word impacts them on a very real level. That's called information and I'm always willing to digest some information

It is one thing for someone to suggest to you that your language may be insensitive. They provide you with information. You decide what to do with it. It's another thing when some authority puts you in a position where it is deemed not only inappropriate to use certain language, but it is mandated that you do not

Then, my friends, we may have a problem. But again, it comes down to motivation. State your case. Make your argument. Let's see if this is reasonable. In many cases Political Correctness is far from reasonable

Case in point. Jennifer Scharf is a woman who, since 2008, has been offering yoga classes to anyone interested at the University of Ottawa at their Centre for Students with Disabilities. She offers these classes for free, she does not profit from them. Yoga is an excellent way to deal with stress and we all know that university can be stressful; I'll never forget the stress of not having quite enough money to take advantage of the Happy Hour two pitchers of draft beer for the price of one at Sneakers Pub at St Lawrence College

But I digress

Recently Ms Scharf was shocked to hear that her yoga practises were being shut down by the University. Not by the faculty, not by the university administration, but by a form of student council. Why? Because white people practising yoga may be a case of cultural appropriation Yeh, Ms Scharf is not of Indian heritage you see

The student council declared that the cultures from which yoga originated "have experienced oppression, cultural genocide and diasporas due to colonialism and western supremacy ... we need to be mindful of this and how we express ourselves while practising yoga"

Yeh, your morning stretch is oppressing some people over in Rangoon. So get out of that downward dog, children in Mumbai are crying

Ms Scharf suggested that she change the name of her classes. Instead of Yoga, she would call it Mindful Stretching. Um, no. We don't how to translate Mindful Stretching into French. University of Ottawa is a bilingual school. Or perhaps not so much. I find it difficult to believe that no one could figure out to express this concept in French. A bilingual campus that thinks you have to have a literal translation of a phrase? Um, right

Now, let's get to the kicker. No one had ever complained about these classes. No Hindi or Indian or Pakistani or guy who just loves butter chicken came forward and said "Hey, these classes make me feel all hollow and downtrodden inside"

The student council just decided it was culturally inappropriate. We call that white man's guilt don't we

That is a very telling part so I'll repeat it NO ONE COMPLAINED. The council just took it on itself to correct a wrong that very well may not have existed And this is the danger of official Political Correctness. It morphs from concerns for the feeling of another, to an entity of authority informing you that the way you think about something is wrong

Yeh, you know, I may want to call that thought control

The fact that this happened on a university campus and that it originated from students itself, well that pierces me right in my Hell No We Won't Go, Four Dead at Ohio heart. What the hell has happened to students exploring new thoughts, questioning status quo and holding long, often pointless yet well motivated debates on every little thing. I guess all of that stuff doesn't rate well on Youtube

Appropriating culture is n to something to which I'm insensitive. I would probably never get a dream catcher tattooed on my body because I am not Native North American. I see dream catchers sold on reserves that were made in Taiwan but hell, that's their culture, let them diminish and profit from it. But if someone is going to define cultural appropriation it should be someone from that culture, not a bunch of hipsters in their wool caps and sipping Gatorade in the student council offices

Ms Scharf needs to fight this. We all need to fight this. Defining a word is one thing. Defining how I should feel about things? Well my dog is only going downward to bite you right in the ass

THE HAWKAMOONERS

Earl Bales Park is a huge urban park near to my home in North York where I take the girls on a regular basis. This is one of Toronto's ravine parks, with a perfectly manicured enormous space bounded by Sheppard Avenue and Bathurst Sts that contains an amphitheatre, playgrounds and large open areas.

Where it drops down into the Humber River valley the park widens out. There is a large fenced dog offish area there and a ski hill and trails that wind through through the deep valley. I take the dogs there often

I've noticed a pair of red tail hawks hunting in the ravine. Often I see them circling above the open space of the ski hill, sometimes alone sometimes together, their cries echoing down the long narrow river valley

Last weekend I saw the female fly overhead with a squirrel in her talons. She flew across the ski hill and disappeared into the trees that march up the high sides of the ravine like the crenelated walls of some ancient woodland fortress

A little later, I could hear the two birds calling to each other. I kind of imagined how that conversation went

Her: "Hon, dinner's ready!"

Him: "I'll be right there hon, I'm watching the game"

Her: "Game? What game? Football?"

Him: "No, game, as in the chipmunk I may want to eat. Come on, I'm a hawk"

Her: "But I have dinner right here, and it's still trying to get out of my talons. I may need a pedi after this"

Him: "Great, another spa day, who's going to take of the nest"

Her: "Well, you could get off your feathers and take care of that Honeydo list"

Him: "I'm a busy man, you know, hunting, defending, scaring poodles in the dog park"

Her: "Hunting? What the hell do you call this squirrel I have in my beak?"

Him: "We could call him Alfonzo, I always liked that name"

Her: "You are not helping yourself here"

Him: "Isn't that what your mother says? I'm beyond help?"

Her: "This squirrel is not the only thing about to get disemboweled"

Him: "Yeh you get him ready, I'll be there shortly"

Her: "Get your ass over to this tree right now and the only thing you'll be eating is butt"

Him: "No dirty talk, you never know who could be listening"

Her: "That's it, you're sleeping out of the nest tonight"

Him: "Finally, some peace and quiet"

Her: "Is that how you treat me? After I've been slaving over a hot squirrel all day?"

Him: "You know you love me"

Her: "Seriously, it's time to become a cannibal"

Him: "You want to eat me? I told you, no dirty talk"

Her: "I should have married an eagle"