WHY YOU SHOULDN'T TALK TO STRANGERS OR STRANGER PEOPLE OR WEIRDOS, OR ME

Standing waiting for a bus, a lovely woman in a short dress walks by

Guy beside me says "Man, she has legs that go on for days"

I say "Really? Which days"

"Pardon?"

"Just wondering which days those legs are"

Now the guy is sidling away from me, funny how often that happens "What are you talking about?"

"Well, you need to carefully choose which leg days you may want to enjoy"

"Did you escape from some kind of facility?"

"Well, I wouldn't call it escaped, the door was wide open and I walked right on through, once the smoke from the explosives had cleared"

Now the guy is really wishes he had called a cab today. "I have no idea what you're on about"

"You have to consider this carefully, you can't just willy nilly pick a leg day without considering the consequences"

"Would you mind putting your willy away?"

I looked down "Oh sorry about that" I made the adjustment, funny how often that happens

"OK, so I'm bore and I may have ingested a powerful illicit drug today so I will ask: Explain to me about this leg day thing"

"Well, think about it. Monday legs they're gonna be tired, right, so probably burned under leggings or jeans or a bright yellow Hello Kitty jumpsuit"

"A jumpsuit? That seems unlikely"

"It's a leap of imagination .. leap, jump, get it?"

"I'd rather get a STD"

"No time for romance, the bus will be here soon"

I think he had some kind of seizure but he waved me on to continue. Or he may have been surrendering or gesturing for help, hard to say.

So I continued. "Tuesday legs aren't really ready yet to party, heavy into work mode, so you know, knee length skirts, heavy pantyhose, maybe yogurt pants"

"Don't you mean yoga pants?"

"I mean yogurt pants, the tight ones, like they've been eating nothing but yogurt and want to show off the results. Yoga? That's just silly. An old Indian dude with a floor length beard and the ability to levitate two feet off the toilet, he would look silly in those pants"

The guy rolled his eyes "Oh no, we wouldn't want to get silly would we."

"Gosh no, we wouldn't want to do that" So I took off the clown nose and the rubber lederhosen "Now, Thursday legs, we're starting to get there. Feeling better, in the swing of things, stockings maybe and a sexy pair of mules"

"You mean those shoes?"

"No, I mean burro's. Strapped to her feet. Saves those legs some wear and tear"

"Goddamn you're weird"

"I told you, no time for romance"

The guy put on some body armour and began building a moat between us "Go on"

"Now Friday and Saturday legs, now we're talking, those are the days you want to go on, right. Stockings, garters, pumps, fishnets, Cuban heels, those seams running down the back"

"Do you think women really wear stuff like that?"

I straightened a seam "Oh right, we were talking about women"

"You know, you skipped right over Wednesday"

"Oh dude, you don't want to deal with Wednesday legs"

"Pray tell"

"Dude, middle of the week" I did a shudder take "There will be stubble"