LET'S EXPEND SOME ACTION SHALL WE

The Expenables

No, I don't mean the banannas you just bought. I mean the movies. The action series created by Sylvester Stallone

Come on, you watch them, I know you do. Just admit it. Then have yourself a good cry

Stallone came up with the idea of rounding up a bunch of 80's action stars from the 80's Action Stars Retirement Home & Rehab Facility and put them in a movie. In the most recent version of the franchise, he paired up the old boys with some "young bloods"

The interwebs has been abuzz with the possibility of an all female Expendables movie. I have no idea if this is a reality but it's an entertaining notion. You can troll around and find lots of proposed cast lists but hey, I'm too lazy to be original, so I've decided to do my own

I'm going to follow to the template of Expendables 3 and have some Old Guard actors matched with some New Guard/Current Guard. And what we call this collection of kick ass females? Why, the EE of course, The Estrogen Expendables ...

OLD GUARD:

SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Yeh, this is pretty much a no brainer

Not only is Ms Weaver one of the most significant female action stars of the 80's and 90's, she also a legit high level actress. She still pops up in an action movie or two, sometimes as a villain and it's obvious she has nothing to prove and is having a lot of fun. Whether stripped down to her underpants or suited up with a bald head, Sigourney is tough but it's her intelligence that informs all of her performances

So, Sigourney as the leader of the  EE, a smarter way sexier Sylvester Stallone

LINDA HAMILTON: You saw this one coming didn't you

Hamilton first appeared as the female love interest to a lion man in TV's Beauty and the Beast TV series. So yeh, she was the first furry lover on the tube. She was also, of course, the female star of the original Terminator movie. In that movie Sarah Conner was largely a victim. Yes, she displayed some toughness but she spent most of the movie running and hiding

Then came Terminator 2. Her physical transformation and Sarah's emotional transformation was a pretty revolutionary thing. This was a tough, driven, imperfect woman, the female embodiment of the typical moody male action star.

Linda has sown up recently in the TV series Defiance, proving she can still do tough and crazy

PAM GRIER: The EE needs a little kick ass soul and who better to provide it

Not only the first black female action star, one of the first female action movie headliners ever. Pam's film history starts back the black exploitation films of the 1970's. Movies like Foxy Brown and Coffee were quick to exploit her body but her chick's were tough and as violent as male counterparts like James Brown and Fred Williamson

In 1997 Quentin Tarantino did what he is very often the best at: he revialized Pam's career with the movie Jackie Brown. She continues to work in projects like the L Word. The Expendables only black member is football star Terry Crews. Pam has way more action movie credentials than Crews and can out act and probably outfight him with her eyes closed. Or bliind folded .. um, let's move on

MICHELLE YEOH: Move over Jet Li, you just met your estrogen match

Like Weaver and Hamilton, Michelle is a "serious" actress with significant action chops. Probably more so, in the latter area, than the American women. She was the first actress to star alongside Jackie Chan (in the Supercop movies) and was part of one of the screen's greatest sword fights in Crouching Tiger (against another female too) She also proved a perfect new style Bond Girl, looking gorgeous as always but able to match Pierce Bronson punch for punch in Tomorrow Never Dies.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Oscar winning actress, mother to all the world's unwanted children and kick ass female action icon

Lara Croft, Wanted, Salt, Mr & Mrs Smith ... well not as "old school" as some of the other ladies it seems as if Angelina has been kicking ass for a long time. No matter what kind of bad guys the Estorgen Expendables would face, I can imagine what would happen when Angelina walks toward them out of the dust and rubble of some expression "Oh wow, fellow henchmen, check out the body and this one" and after a moment "Holy shit, she has a rocket launcher" Die, you bad guys, with a smile on your face

LUCY LAWLESS: An old school estrogen butt kicker who has managed to stay relevant

Xena, Warrior Princess, seriously that would be enough. She has stayed relevant playing a villainess style role on Spartacus, a truly awful series but hey, Lucy got naked. She has shown up, fully clothed, on Agents of SHIELD. Sister can still hang


NEW GUARD

SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Is she a mainstream actress? Is she a comic book movie icon? She's both, and oh yeh, she fills out a black leather bodysuit pretty well

Black Widow. Seriously. The Widow may be a supporting player, she will probably never have her own movie but I think she's been in more Marvel movies than any other character. Iron Man, Captain America (Winter Soldier). She's also been Lucy. And as Silken Floss, a truly sexy and insane villain, was one of the few reasons to struggle all the way through The Spirit

ZOE SALDANA: Quickly establishing herself as a major sci fi badass, Saldana has also kicked some major ass on poor old boring present day Earth

Avatar, Star Trek, Guardians of the Galaxy ... she's been in some popular movies. And that was a huge understatement. Not to mention some potentionally huge franchises. She's also shot her way through some more down to earth (get it? as in not a space movie?) films like The Losers and a starring role in Columbiana

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ: Another outcast from the planet of Pandora, amongst other places

I'll give you a moment to digest that photo. OK, are you with me now?

She was the rebel chopper pilot in Avatar. She's also been in Girl Fight, and an integral part of the Furious movies and in many other action movies like Machete and the Resident Evil films She has solid acting chops and is not afraid to bring on the crazy. Think of her as the EE version of Antonio Banderas

MILLA JONOVICH: Speaking of Resident Evil ...

 The Resident Evil movies are pretty shite, even for video-game-based-zombie flicks but as the series has gone on, Milla's Alice has emerged as a flat out pulp sci fi action babe. She'd been acting for a few years, including some very soft soft porn but it was her portrayal as Leeloo in Fifth Element that put her in the action goddess mode. Yeh, pretty literally a goddess She will soon be branching out from her B Movie zombie murdering stereotype in an A list starring take in Survivor with Pierce Brosnan. It's interesting how so many of our kick ass ladies do their work in the sf genre, with more to come

GINA CARADO: The current Expendables has MMA babe Rhonda Roussey, well the EE has their rear naked choke kick ass babe. Mmmm naked .. hey, none of that

Rhonda Roussey is a current UFC champ; Gina is more of a mma blast from the past. But she's been in the movie game longer than Rhonda. She's been in the Furious franchise (where she mixed it up with Michelle Rodriguez) but she's starred in a couple of movies, including Haywire, a very A level spy-action flick. Is Gina a great actress? Well, she's better than Rhonda and her onscreen fight scenes are always good, she is not afraid to take a hit or twenty from the guy before artfully bending his arms or gonads into a pretzel.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

SUMMER GLAU: Yup, yet another sci fi butt kicker

Firefly, Serenity, Sarah Conner Chronicles, Arrow A fanboy fave who's diminuitive size and pixie face makes her the perfect EE stealth weapon "Oh look boys, they sent us a little cutie .. hey, is that my heart in her hands?"

TATIANA MASALY: If the EE need themselves a covert undercover multiple identity specialist, I've got their girl

In Orphan Black, Tatiana plays multiple clones of herself. It could be a kind of trick role but this girl is the read deal acting wise and infuses each version of herself with distinctive personalities. And she is not afraid to handle a gun

KATE BECKINSALE: The EE should be a well rounded merc army. So just in case there are some werewolves that need stomping:

Star of the Underworld movies, this one is not afraid to get bloody. And who wouldn't pay to see the fight within the fight, as she and Scarlett battle for the Queen of the Leather Bodysuits. Popcorn please

GAL GADOT: Yet another product of the Fast & Furious action factory

Besides scaring the boys in the Furious movie as a trained assasin, this former model will soon be the new Wonder Woman .. if the movie ever gets made. I question that casting but in the Furious movies she came across as cool as well as sexy

UMA THURMAN: Just in case the EE need to crash a wedding

Basically, Uma has made one action movie (in two parts) but that movie was Kill Bill. The Bride really is one of the greatest female action movie characters of all time.

LUCY LIU: Well, come on, if we're referencing Kill Bill ..

But besides Bill, Lucy has other action movie creds, including Charlie's Angels and Ecks vs Sever (with current Expendable, Antonio Banderas)

That's pretty much of it. There are others, of course, past and present, with nods to Brigitte Nielson, Grace Jones, Zhang Ziyi (Crouching Tiger, House of Flying Daggers), Soarise Ronan (Hannah), Chloe Grace Moretz (Kick Ass), Rhona Mitra (Doomsday) but even I have to draw the line someday

 I'd say the Estrogen Expendables would be a pretty capable bunch. I'd suggest pitting them against the boys but hell, that just wouldn't be fair. Even I wouldn't be that cruel to Stallone and company