Sunday, July 6, 2014


It's a silly world. Filled with silly people who are so bored and silly that it becomes their past time to create silly laws.

Now let's talk about war and battles and the potential for sudden and blinding violence.

Yes, I'm talking about parking lots.

They are the battle zones of your urban city. Lots of silliness goes down in parking lots. Most of this chaos we bring on ourselves. Like, people making their own parking spots. Just sliding their vehicle, usually a big ass truck or the kind of North American boat driven by people who fondly remember the Diefenbaker administration, up beside a legit parked car, halfway in the lane designed to be used by people who .. you know .. want to be driving not parking.

Then there are those people who have strong emotional connections to a particular parking spot. Maybe they knew this spot when they were young and it has strong nostalgic connotations for them. Perhaps it's a case of unrequited parking spot love.

You know the ones I mean. They enter the parking lot, alone and forlorn, not sure if they can go on and then, there, a glimmer of hope, like the glint of a diamond glimpsed in the darkness of a Portapottie at the end of a free country music festival ....

I'll give you a moment

OK, so there it is, the driver's one and only true love, his parking spot, he accelerates, fingers trembling on the steering wheel, heart pounding, leaning forward to gaze lovingly through the windscreen only to find .. GASP .. what is this? OMG say it isn't so, another car, parked in his spot ... That cheating bitch!

Still, love conquers on, one must forgive, perhaps the spot was just lonely and it made an impulsive mistake. He can forgive her. And wait for her to come to her senses. So he parks his car at the entrance to the spot, waiting for the interloper to leave. Yes, he's blocking a couple of other spots and yes, he's filling up the lane but it's worth it .. Damnit, this is love!

We can all understand that can't we?

We all know that the parking spots closest to the doors are the premium. As a Catskills comedian would say "That's gold baby! Gold!"

Some of these spots are, of course, reserved for certain drivers. Disabled spots for instance; there will be no arguing about this, if you have a sticker you park there, yes I know some of them are traded as a commodity but that is not the fault of the disabled person and no, not every disability is clearly visible so shut the fuck up about and keep cruising, so what if you park way in the back. Walk will do you good.

Over the past few years, new signs have cropped up Reserved for Family or something, with the little baby stroller icon. OK, this one we can argue about. Yup, it's tough to haul your one kid and its 4,000 pounds of gear across the parking lot but over all, no one forced you to have the kid ... or buy it enough gear that it requires a mobilized platoon to transport. But there it is. It's a fact. I got over it

Hey, the walk does me good

The other day I went to park at a new Walmart in my neighbourhood. Cruised up towards the doors,  not expecting to find a spot but what the hell, I don't go to Vegas so this is how I gamble. I see a good eight spots with some kind of reserved signs in front of them, I'm assuming Disability or the specious Family but I see something entirely new .. Reserved for Hybrid Vehicles

What the bleeding blankety blank

Why on earth does someone who drives a hybrid need and/or deserve a parking spot closer to the doors? Where is the logic in this?

Is it because the drivers of these eco friendly cars have such massive ego's and sense of importance that their heads have become incredibly heavy that they can't walk very far?

Wouldn't walking be something that an eco minded person want to encourage? I mean, don't they only drive their hybrids when the weather is too bad to ride their bike, or when they have way too many Ikea furnishings to carry on their backs?

And dude this was Walmart .. Walmart. Isn't the target customer for Walmart someone who wears sweat pants 24/7 and who drives there from the trailer park in their RV and who need to walk as little as possible due to the noise of their thighs rubbing together and their massive breasts jiggling that they violate noise bylaws .. and yes, I'm talking about the men

I was going to ask these questions of the Walmart greeters but my Canadian Redneck is a little rusty at the moment.

So the next time you are out and about and circling a parking lot desperately seeking a spot, hoping your emergency supplies of water and trail mix don't run out, if you see a hybrid parked anywhere, jump out and plaster this sign on the windshield:


Somewhere, a trailer park RV is still circling, out there somewhere, in the dark. Sssssh quiet now ... you can hear the Charlie Pride music .. can't you?

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