IF A CELL PHONE RINGS IN A FOREST, WHAT IS THE RING TONE

Who the fuck are you all talking to? I mean really ... who are they? What's so important? Did you forget something at home? Do you need directions? Is Timmie stuck in the well?

It's a question I often ask myself, especially when out and about in my city of Toronto.

Everyone has a phone. Some kind of phone. Smart phone. iPhone. Droid phone. Dumb phone. Idiot Savant phone. Phone to be named later.

And literally everyone seems to have one. Bay street robots. Yorkdale matrons. Queen West Goths (they're phones work but are usually too depressed to take the call). Old, young, rich poor. Babies. In Toronto freaking babies have phones, I swear this is true. Babies in strollers with G3 phones pressed to their tiny ears; the phones have teddy bear skins and drool guards.

Who the fuck is a baby talking to on the phone? Diaper service? Soothie Anonymous? "Call now! Girl babies are waiting for you! They're hot! They're gassy! They're wearing lace Huggies!"

Seriously folks ...

Cell phones are great. I have one. Collette has one. We use them. We make calls on them. Ours only make calls, and barely that, but that's all I need them for. Quite handy on long trips, be it to Kingston, Parry Sound or to the produce freezer at Costco's. But come on .. everyone is talking on their phone all the time ...

What are you talking about? Being a nosey old prick, sometimes I do listen in .. and usually they don't seem to be talking at all. Or they're talking about what they're going to do after they do the thing they are not doing now because they are talking on the phone

They talk and they don't stop talking. There they are, phone pressed to ear while they order food, buy a magazine, drive a car, deliver a baby .. doctor and mom both

OK it's not always talking. Sometimes talking on your cell phone in public is frowned upon. Like a movie. Like the movie Inception. No, they weren't talking on their phones during Inception .. they were texting. Now Inception was great, but it's a tightly plotted movie that requires your attention, attention that you paid a lot of money to use .. and they were texting.

Who? What? Why?

It's funny, this technology that has the potential to bring us together sometimes seems to drive us apart. At a street fest, or a flea market, or out in the park with the dog, you have an opportunity to interact with other people, new people, over a common interest. That can't happen when you have a phone in your ear and your only response to me saying "Your dog is pooing over there" is to hold your hand up cuz you are already having a conversation

Sure, we can better keep in touch with those we know, but are we cutting ourselves off from those we are yet to know? Granted, there are a lot of people out there I have no interest in meeting and I suppose a cell phone is a good shield .. but said shield may guard you from a lot of noise .. like the noise of a bus .. now him, you may not want to meet ...

In 1953 Ray Bradbury wrote a story called The Murderer. It's set in a future world where technology has developed to a point where we are in constant touch with one another, where we are constantly bombarded by music, advertising, images .. where we are never alone, where we can never appreciate silence, where we never have time to think ...

I know you may read this. But I know it may take you time. In between calls