Some of you may be familiar with the little mind game called: What would Jesus do? For Christians, it's a way of dealing with sticky moral conundrums. When faced with a tricky moral dilemma you ask yourself, What would Jesus do?
Well, I'm an atheist. So Jesus and I are on an "agree to disagree" kind of footing. So what powerful, omnipotent, world altering deity do I turn to in my moments of moral dilemma? How about Eyjafjallajokull, the Icelandic volcano that for a short time, showed its dominance over the planet by stopping air traffic, altering the environment and generally show us all who's boss.
So at those times when I seek guidance, when the world has gone all murky and I need a role model to pattern my behaviour after I ask myself: What would Eyjafjallajokull do?
Let's look at a few hypotheticals, and try to determine what a true deity would do.
1) I'm walking down Younge Street, a panhandler asks me for money, I can see that he is desperately hungry, dirty, not dressed for the season .. but I also see the needle tracks on his arms and if I give him money, he would probably just use it to buy drugs. Still, the man needs help ...
What would Jesus do? Jesus may embrace the man and take him home and clean him up and feed him and show him Love and give him the strength to help himself
What would Eyjafjallajokull do? The volcano would spout ash into the guy's eyes. That way I wouldn't have to have guilt from the eye contact as I toss him the finger and keep walking.
2) A buddy, whose spouse I am close to, confesses to me that he is having an affair with her best friend
What would Jesus do? Jesus may create a miracle that shows my buddy how his wife would be hurt and sad, that a terrible rift would be created between the two friends and that his infidelity would scar all of them forever
What would Eyjafjallajokull do? The volcano would spit a boiling hot ember of lava into buddy's pants, burning off his penis and just saving everybody a lot of headaches.
3) I'm walking along and see a pile of cash on the sidewalk, I'm about to pick it up, when I notice an armoured car right there, the doors blown off, and two guards on the ground, as well as a robber, all shot and stunned. I could take the money but I know it's from a robbery where men are hurt
What would Jesus do? Jesus would point out to me that the money is evil, it's ill gotten gain and he would heal all the men, robber and guards alike because all men deserve mercy and need love
What would Eyjafjallajokull do? The volcano would cause a sudden earthquake, the ground would open, the truck and the men would fall in the hole and I'd pick up the cash saying "Hmm, where did this come from?"
4) I'm in the mall. I see a mom publicly berating and humiliating her kid. The kid is crying but hey, she's not my child but I know this isn't good
What would Jesus do? Jesus may create a miracle whereby Mom would be able to see her daughter in the future, bitter and sad and abusing her own kids, thereby illustrating to Mom the perils of her action.
What would Eyjafjallajokull do? The volcano would hurl a gigantic tsunami, enveloping the mall, totally swamping it, washing away Mom, kid and all the shoppers ...
Did that last one seem a little cruel to you? Well, duh, it's just a volcano ...
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