THE GOOD SHIP BIRTHDAY PARTY

Yeh, yeh, I'm a year older. Greyer, crankier, wiser .. OK, only two of those assertions are accurate. I'll let you decide.

Not sure I get the whole point of this "birthday" celebration thing. Sure, another year has gone by. I suppose that means physical changes, more notable once you crank past that half century mark. The only changes I'm aware of at the moment are some new calluses on the palms of my hands. That's from hanging on to the handles of two flexi leashes as two border collies take me for a walk .. no, I mean as I take two border collies for a walk .. I mean .. a run .. I mean .. well, I mean I have two dogs that really like to go out.

But these physical changes are not really anything that one should throw a party to celebrate. It's not like I've grown a third eye, or devil horns, or a leathery lizard crest on the top of my head that flares up whenever I get excited. Now for that, I would throw a party.

So what about the mental aspects of getting a year older. Well, I'm sure in some aspects, the old mental acuity has dissipated. My memory is for sure unravelling like a cheap sweater in a rain storm. I'm having difficulty remembering all the stuff I've forgotten. I suppose I'm somewhat wiser. Not many years go by in which I haven't learned something .. even if it's stuff like: Don't use a really good T shirt to open a stubborn beer twist cap. it creates a hole and pisses off the spouse.

Still, again, nothing to really celebrate. Not like I woke up one day this year and solved the perpetual motion dilemma or figured out how to keep boxer shorts from riding up my private business. And yet, I did indeed have a party. Why? Well, it's summer, there's beer, I get to invite my friends and family, there's beer, I can BBQ, there's beer .. yeh, you get it.

So, one of the real reasons I throw a birthday party here is because my sacred event occurs in the middle of July. When it's hot, and sunny and you can stay outside at night, and you make fun of people's tan lines. In other words, my birthday is a great excuse for a summer party ... but that seems a rare thing in Ontario these days. Not parties. Summer. I do believe that, without anyone telling me, Ontario has moved to the tropics. Because we sure as fuck seem to be getting a rainy season.

My birthday weekend was no exception. Thursday I cut the lawn in the rain. A bad omen. I swear I could feel mushrooms growing around my ankles as I mowed .. and that may make you ask what kind of mushrooms, but I ain't gonna tell you. Friday night my sister Tyna came down. I walked Terra in the rain. Omens, people, omens. I believe in them, but I ignore them. See where that gets me.

So you guessed it. Saturday, day of the party, it rained. No, it didn't rain. It deluged .. I know, it's not a word, but it should be. It deluged all over the fucking place. We had a puddle in the yard that Jacques Cousteau would have made a documentary to film. At one point Collette was bailing water out of it. Yes, my wife was bailing the yard. When I started the BBQ I was standing ankle deep in water. Only time I was at the grille that I needed an apron, a set on tongs and a snorkel.

It was wet. This is the point I'm making.

But I intended to party on. Stood out there at the BBQ in my dive mask and snorkel, border collies paddling by me, sipping beer, pondering whether or not I was in a major shipping lane. But, somehow, the rain stopped. The puddle was transformed into a mud pit big enough for a Woodstock II mosh pit, but the rain let up, guests wandered into the yard, pointing up at the sky and whispering "What's that big bright thing up there?"

More guests showed up, more dogs showed up, a couple of tons of animal flesh was seared and devoured, and empty beer bottles were made into a redoubt to keep any further floods at bay. I decided to pull out my metal fire place. What were once ashes in the bottom had been transformed into more mud. I swear, there were a bunch of half dressed teenagers sliding around in there, flashing the rock on devil horns ... Thanks to a valiant wood chopping effort by our friend Kevin, we did get the fire started.

So we spent the rest of the night, huddled around our fire, imbibing and eating and eating and imbibing and in between courses, working on an ark .. After all, from everything I understand, I'm going to have another of these parties next year.