THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU CAN'T PARK

It's a silly world. Filled with silly people who are so bored and silly that it becomes their past time to create silly laws.

Now let's talk about war and battles and the potential for sudden and blinding violence.

Yes, I'm talking about parking lots.

They are the battle zones of your urban city. Lots of silliness goes down in parking lots. Most of this chaos we bring on ourselves. Like, people making their own parking spots. Just sliding their vehicle, usually a big ass truck or the kind of North American boat driven by people who fondly remember the Diefenbaker administration, up beside a legit parked car, halfway in the lane designed to be used by people who .. you know .. want to be driving not parking.

Then there are those people who have strong emotional connections to a particular parking spot. Maybe they knew this spot when they were young and it has strong nostalgic connotations for them. Perhaps it's a case of unrequited parking spot love.

You know the ones I mean. They enter the parking lot, alone and forlorn, not sure if they can go on and then, there, a glimmer of hope, like the glint of a diamond glimpsed in the darkness of a Portapottie at the end of a free country music festival ....

I'll give you a moment

OK, so there it is, the driver's one and only true love, his parking spot, he accelerates, fingers trembling on the steering wheel, heart pounding, leaning forward to gaze lovingly through the windscreen only to find .. GASP .. what is this? OMG say it isn't so, another car, parked in his spot ... That cheating bitch!

Still, love conquers on, one must forgive, perhaps the spot was just lonely and it made an impulsive mistake. He can forgive her. And wait for her to come to her senses. So he parks his car at the entrance to the spot, waiting for the interloper to leave. Yes, he's blocking a couple of other spots and yes, he's filling up the lane but it's worth it .. Damnit, this is love!

We can all understand that can't we?

We all know that the parking spots closest to the doors are the premium. As a Catskills comedian would say "That's gold baby! Gold!"

Some of these spots are, of course, reserved for certain drivers. Disabled spots for instance; there will be no arguing about this, if you have a sticker you park there, yes I know some of them are traded as a commodity but that is not the fault of the disabled person and no, not every disability is clearly visible so shut the fuck up about and keep cruising, so what if you park way in the back. Walk will do you good.

Over the past few years, new signs have cropped up Reserved for Family or something, with the little baby stroller icon. OK, this one we can argue about. Yup, it's tough to haul your one kid and its 4,000 pounds of gear across the parking lot but over all, no one forced you to have the kid ... or buy it enough gear that it requires a mobilized platoon to transport. But there it is. It's a fact. I got over it

Hey, the walk does me good

The other day I went to park at a new Walmart in my neighbourhood. Cruised up towards the doors,  not expecting to find a spot but what the hell, I don't go to Vegas so this is how I gamble. I see a good eight spots with some kind of reserved signs in front of them, I'm assuming Disability or the specious Family but I see something entirely new .. Reserved for Hybrid Vehicles

What the bleeding blankety blank

Why on earth does someone who drives a hybrid need and/or deserve a parking spot closer to the doors? Where is the logic in this?

Is it because the drivers of these eco friendly cars have such massive ego's and sense of importance that their heads have become incredibly heavy that they can't walk very far?

Wouldn't walking be something that an eco minded person want to encourage? I mean, don't they only drive their hybrids when the weather is too bad to ride their bike, or when they have way too many Ikea furnishings to carry on their backs?

And dude this was Walmart .. Walmart. Isn't the target customer for Walmart someone who wears sweat pants 24/7 and who drives there from the trailer park in their RV and who need to walk as little as possible due to the noise of their thighs rubbing together and their massive breasts jiggling that they violate noise bylaws .. and yes, I'm talking about the men

I was going to ask these questions of the Walmart greeters but my Canadian Redneck is a little rusty at the moment.

So the next time you are out and about and circling a parking lot desperately seeking a spot, hoping your emergency supplies of water and trail mix don't run out, if you see a hybrid parked anywhere, jump out and plaster this sign on the windshield:

YOU SHOULD BE AT WALMART

Somewhere, a trailer park RV is still circling, out there somewhere, in the dark. Sssssh quiet now ... you can hear the Charlie Pride music .. can't you?

I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE TO SAY THIS

Eugenie Bouchard just got served

She's a tennis player, she just got her ass handed to her in a match ...

Come on, this is so fucking perfect!

Say it all day long, the serendipity gods will smile upon you

FLYING ON FOUR LEGS OR TWO: REDPATH WATEFRONG FESTIVAL

Since the dawn of time ... or at least midmorning, after everyone's had some breaky and maybe a power nap ... Man has dreamed of flying

So, apparently, have dogs.

Yeh, OK so perhaps I should explain.

This past weekend Collette and I took our cameras to the Redpath Waterfront Festival. This was a (mostly) free event, sponsored by Redpath Sugar, that sprawled along Toronto's western downtown waterfront, or at least the condo-and-industrial-with-a-few-trees blister that passes as our waterfront in that area.

We went down to watch two competitive sports that encouraged living creatures to attempt flight, before artfully plunging into water

Dock Diving is a sport you may have seen on TV. It's a canine sport, where dogs fly off of a dock as high and far as possible before diving into the water in pursuit of a floating "bait" The sides of the tank into which the dogs dive are ruled with the length and high speed cameras catch the moments the dog actually impacts the water, providing an accurate reading.

As in most canine sports the humans assess the winners and losers, the dogs just have fun

This is an actual sport, these were North American qualifiers with dogs from all over the continent, points are rewarded for the distance dived but seeing it up and close and personal, you have to give the pooches style points

If dogs, in their pursuit of flight, use their ancient instincts and natural athletic ability, Man of course, has to go a bit beyond. That's because we have the ability to utilize technology and, let's be honest, we're just nuts




Flyboarding is a sport that is half jetpack, half jetski, half skateboarding, half acrobatics and half wakeboard. Yeh, that's a lot of halves.

The athlete uses a board that is attached by a long hose to a jetski. The jetski's engine forces the water up through the hose and propels it out through the boots that the guy wears, bolted to the board. That gives him enough propulsion to achieve heights up to 15 meters

The rider controls the jetski so often there was no one operating the craft, they can move around the performance area with the seadoo following them, all on their own

As in skateboarding and wakeboarding there are prescibed moves the athlete can perform and they are judged on how well they do those. Never having watched this sport before I couldn't judge how good these guys were but the fact that could could even "stand" on those columns of water impressed the crap out of me

Some of their moves made sense once you saw them, like the slalom which you'll see in the video; dolphing was impressive, the rider pushed himself up in the air, arched his back, dove into the water, went completely under the surface then blasted back up into the air. They could chain several of these movements together which made them skilled and brave .. that's Lake Ontario they are going into

Even more amazing is the ability of the riders to use their jets of water to spin completely in mid air, the really talented guys could complete two or three of these somersaults. These guys are athletes make no mistake about that

After our winter it was great to be out in the sun, on the water, watching dogs and humans fly .. and did I mention there was a beer garden? Yeh, you probably figured out that much.




Here's the video


Redpath Waterfront Festival from Victor Kellar on Vimeo .

AN AMATEUR'S GUIDE TO PLAY WITH YOUR DOG

God, we are nuts about our dogs

You could say we are stupid about our dogs and I wouldn't exactly disagree. North Americans spend billions of dollars on our dogs, from overpaying for them at a breeder, to allowing vets to tell us that a biweekly "wellness" test really will add 100 years to our dog's life, to buying it Organic Naturally Caught And We Cried On the Salmon's Spirit dog food, to buying the dog the absolute latest in squeaky-flying-floating-spinning-smellsjustlikeasquirrel toy .. And yes, there is a pretty full doggie toy box in my house

We love our dogs. We want them to be happy. But sometimes I think that we want so much, we've forgotten about what they need.

I spend a lot of time in dog parks and not just the one I'm paid to spend time in. I mean public dog parks. I've written about them before, probably ad nauseum.

Our new house has put us in proximity to Earl Bales Park which has a large fenced in public dog park. It occurred to me that all of dogs, Gigs Hayley and now Terra, have enjoyed this park for some part of their lives.

These parks have their place and their purpose. They are a good place for dogs to gather and for dogs to socialize. Society is important to dogs ... I often see Miss Terra in the yard, on her lounger, sipping green tea and purusing the New York Times Society Pages ... Ok, that's an exaggeration of course. She reads the Yarker Times. It only takes 2 seconds to read and it is completely appropriate to pee upon when you're done

But dogs being able to be dogs in the society of other dogs, that is a very positive thing. Though we often ignore things like age and gender and alpha/dom status as we toss all the dogs in there and wonder why things get sometimes .. wait for it .. hairy

Dogs need to communicate with other dogs in the ways that only dogs can. As much as we love them and as much as they us right back, us sniffing their butts .. well .. it's just a bit creepy. Yeh, just a bit.

But dogs do need to socialize with us, dogs need to be with us, dogs need to play with us. Play. With. Us.

People run with their dogs, cycle with their dogs, hike with their dogs, swim with their dogs ... these are all great. All dogs need exercise and they want to be with us so why not combine the two

But what about playing with your dog. Just playing with her. A ball, a stick, a frisbee, a stuffie, a rope .. I'm not one for playing tug of war with my border collies but I don't universally condemn it; it's a dog game and I leave dog games to dogs, hence the dog parks

Play provides your dog with exercise but that's not the strength of it, like the co operative play with other dogs, the dog wants to play with you two. And if you play the games where you are in charge, as in let me throw this now you bring it back to me, you establish your dominance in a very co operative way.

Some people and their dogs do canine sports, like competitive frisbee or flyball or agility. These are great. I do a little of that with Terra but just on our own in the backyard. This establishes such a deep lovely bond with your dog and, again, while you are playing, your roles are clearly defined.

Dogs like to have these roles defined

Not everyone has the time or temperment to do an organized sport and that goes for people as well as dog. Terra certainly could participate in organized sport but then I'd have to be around all those people .. ugh

Watching these sports on TV can seem imtimidating. I watch some real experienced dog trainers and feel Hell, I can never do that. I also watch some dog trainers and think Hell, anyone can do that ..

Don't worry about that. Anyone can play with their dog.

 Take her to the dog park, take her on nice long leashed walks but don't forget to play with her. Do whatever works for the two of you, don't worry if "you're good at it" don't be concerned how far you can throw the stick or the frisbee or the ball. Just throw the damn thing.

I'm running into people, lots of people who say "Oh I can't throw that" well yes you can, even if it's only two feet who cares, your dog will be happy to go for it. Other people will say "he won't bring it back" Well this happens, Hayley was not the world's greatest retriever so we developed a format of walking in the park, I'd throw the stick, she'd run to get it then wait till I caught up, drop it then go again .. At least she was giving it to me, in her way, that's co operation

You can train your dog to retrieve. Start small, make it easy, set up for success. Start in your living room, sit on the floor, have the dog just a few inches away from you, throw the object, if she catches it encourage her to bring a back. Use a treat. Dogs are bribeable, they don't feel ashamed about it. When the dog doesn't return the object just keep encouraging her, it may require patience, go through a variety of rewards until something clicks, then Reward, Praise, Love, Repeat.

Find out what works for your dog. Some dogs, like border collies, track objects. If your dog follows the course of a toy while it's in the air then there's a good chance it may learn to take it out of the air. If it waits till it hits the ground then it may not be a flyer but if it looks at the toy, if it becomes interested in it once it lands, then it should retrieve.

Take your time, don't give up, keep at it. Training can be play too.

Look at your dog. Right now, look at his eyes.

Know what he's saying to you?

Come play with me.

TERRA, COUPE DU BOIS

A coupe du bois was a traditional Quebecois lumberjack. Besides cutting the trees, it was their job to get them down river to the mills.

They became renowned for their skill, dexterity and bravery as they ran along the log jams, freeing the stuck logs and nimbly leaping from log to log as the trees roared down the raging rivers

Apparently Terra has been watching History TV.

The video below explains

Terra: Coupe de Bois from Victor Kellar on Vimeo.

EXPOSURE PHOTOGRAPHY AND MEDIA SHOW 2014

It's Christmas in May ...

And Santa's Workshop is not at the North Pole, it's at the International Centre out by the airport in Toronto

The Media Photography and Media Show is one of my yearly (or nearly so) convention treks Cameras and lights and wireless lav packs oh my!

Actually one of the things I was hoping to pick up at the show this year was indeed a wireless mic kit to go with my new Sony NX cam. I've been on several websites, including Henry's Camera which sponsors this show, as found a Sure combo wireless kit with both a lav (lapel mic) and handeld. I've seen prices vary from 300 to as low as 140

So at the show I go to the Sure booth .. not only did the two represenatives of the company had to fumble through a bunch of catalogues to find the kit (um, I an fumble all on my own thank you) they came up with a price of 800 bucks ...

I didn't pay to get into the show. You get what you pay for they say

I did pick up a Sevenoak steadicam type cam stabilizer, more on that later

But here's a little video with some of the highlights of the show

Exposure Photography Show 2014 from Victor Kellar on Vimeo.

URBAN MYTHS DECODED: THE STICK EATER

There are many strange things out there my friends

Beasties, monsters, genetic backwaters

Yeti, Nessie, Ogo Pogo .. are any of them real?

We continue in our quest to decode urban myths. In this edition we explore the legend of the strange, rarely seen beast known as the Stick Eater

Myth or reality?

You decide

DISCLAIMER: All the content of this video is verified as authentic and true except for all the things that have been made up